you can say my name
as I am your fav feminist token
but if you do so
you have to know

that me at my worst

would kneel with my arms behind my back
in front of them
opening my mouth only
if they say so

and me at my worst
has to tell you

that I did love it
even if it ruined me

and I am ashamed for that

but you see

I was just this delusional girl
looking for words & love
dreaming of a poetic love story
so I of course as a poet told me
that he fell in love with my words
I fell into his bed on the first date
thinking that his words were genuine
as were my feelings not knowing that
he did this all the time
and he would use my name in his text
like he used my body before
without meaning anything by it

so you can say my name
but you have to know
that he wrote my name first
saying that he is not picky
with girls like me
(obv it is of course ficitional!
it has nothing to do with him or me,
how can I even think that,
I am ruining his life!)

& than I told this story
to no one but him
my best friend I once
called him
and he held me
through my pain
til I started to believe
him when he told me
that he loved me
til I started to believe again
in a poetic love story
(even though we were both
caught up in other relationships)
so I betrayed because I thought
this was genuine
but it was not

as you should know
me at my worst

betraying my boyfriend
for someone who in secret
from me (who I also was his secret)
was sleeping with someone else
than telling me as I was hurt
that I am not allowed to feel hurt
because he never promised me anything,
but his neverending love
that I am not allowed to feel hurt
because I am non-monogamous
that I am not allwoed to feel hurt
because he was always there for me
through my pain he just did this one thing
for himself and I should be happy
oh I should be so happy for him

anyhow, as I know now
he did not only sleep with someone else
from the same circle, he also
sexted with a lot of other people
collecting nudes from contemporary artists
while pleading his love to me
swearing that he tells me everything
while he did tell me nothing at all

saying my pain is abusive
that I am feeling too much

so you should know
when you say my name
as I am your fav feminist token

this is my worst

and I am not over it at all

and I did cry a lot
and I do cry a lot
and I did plead to never write again
a 100 times deleting all my accounts
over and over again

thinking I am so ashamed
that I was so used by them
because I wanted to believe
in a fairy tale poetic love story
thinking that I could never
enter a room again
without melting into the ground
thinking that it is obvious
that they did not choose me
because I maybe have okayish words
but I do not look good in photographs
I am just so far away from
being a trophy they would show in public
so how could I show myself in public
ever again when I fell
for the same lie not only once
but twice

but you see
I did it anyways
soft and weak and broken
so I believe in you
and that you can also
go through it
(and I will hold your hand
if you need me to)

who many of you
have a text from me
or a voice message
where I confess how ashamed I am
of myself for letting me be
used like that
and who many of you
have I begged not to think
less of me

maybe we could make an
anthology project
with my confessions and
your reactions to them
(and how I love you all
for how genuine you have been
to me through it all)

so you should also know

that I will be here for you
and I will never judge
even if you choose them
a 100 times over us
because I did the same

I will be here
a 101 times and more

no matter if you choose
to use my name as a feminist token
or to never say my name in public again
because of them

I will be here for it all

singing your fav songs along with you
if you want me to