The charges against borderline personality disorder are the same charges against girls writing literature, I realize - too emotional, too impulsive, no boundaries. (Kate Zambreno) 

Today I think about
femme fatales and how often such women are left to die
I will contemplate sniffing cocaine 
from a bathroom floor and drink instead

The feeling of hunger makes me ecstatic 
I won’t have eaten for three days and almost feel happy
I will tell a person I sleep with that I want to be a mother
but all I want to be is thin 
I try to preemptively love this person and cut ties simultaneously 
I will end up sleeping with him, because I don’t know what else to do 
I remember that the only protection for Jean Rhys’ heroines were 
their clothes
but I am sitting naked on his balcony
with a sudden need for any kind of protection 

Two hours before I was on a bike
dressed as a nun
while telling random men
that I detest my head being pushed down
while giving blowjobs
I hope that this saves a woman’s larynx 

A friend of mine tells me
that he would rather fuck
a mermaid
than a woman with psychological issues
And I am glad that I fucked him already
And I am gald he didn't realize I am both a mermaid and sick in the head 

It's this memory and the thought of the latest soccer match that keep me from coming during sex
When we drink coffee
his bodily fluids will run out of me
and he will never know that I don't like milk
I say nothing
I don't know how to reach other people with words 
I will randomly touch his nose instead, with a sudden wish of seeing him cry 

On Sunday afternoon I will try to create an emotion
that I have never felt before and fail

This is what the doctors won’t tell you about
but this is all I’ve told them