showing you the door isn’t less

painful or difficult for me

I too am losing something

and maybe more than you

the difference is: it’s even

harder to realize I haven’t lost

anything, because there may

have been nothing at all to begin with

at the clinic whenever I lie

down eyes closed I am spinning

through space without knowing

the location of my head

you come to me in my

dreams, your tender empathy

and shaggy hair, here are splinters

I remember from something

I wrote for you:

es sind deine ungesunden augen

es sind deine herrschsüchtigen haare

es sind deine schelmischen zähne

es sind deine frühen falten um den mund

es ist deine fellwarme stimme

es sind deine hellhörigen hände

es ist dein verlegener bartwuchs

und nichts davon

nichts davon ist simpel

nichts davon ist dein

back then it left you speechless

and I just tried to write in a way

you wouldn’t deem too artificial

yes, I put it in a very simple way

es ist die verlockende form deiner grenze

es ist die gewalt in deinem ballonschlag

es ist deine verfrorenheit

es ist deine meinung

es ist deine schüchternheit

es ist deine begeisterung

es ist alles, was es auch woanders gibt

und nichts davon

nichts davon ist einzig

es ist alles mensch

I repeat it outside your

reading range, nobody

can reproach me with

using art to manipulate

someone, using poetry

to get the love I want

es ist einfach schön

es ist eine begegnung auf dem gang

es ist eine unverschämtheit

es ist eine maus namens frederick

es ist ein necken

es ist ein streiten

es ist ein halbierter piranha

es ist ein geständnis

es ist ein vergessen

es ist ein erinnern

und nichts davon

nichts davon ist es

you and your mixed signals

walking around with a blanket

around your shoulders like a ghost

or the royalty of homeless magicians

the villain of the story is

a mutual so-called ‚friend‘

whom I felt sorry for because

of his ugliness, so I didn’t want

to let it show how much he

disgusted me, both his body

and his behaviour

in the end, we all faked

peace, but I couldn’t

continue to pretend

there was nothing wrong, why

is this always my work to do

a one-sided silent expectation

as subtlety didn’t work,

I fought him off with

clearer and harsher words

before worse could happen

and he shot me looks

like he wanted to kill me for

refusing him, even though he

was the one who pushed me to this point

men like you and him always

forcing me to use the simplest

of expressions, not allowing

ambiguity or metaphors or

any kind of hermetic play

on words, limiting my poetry

so they can understand –

now I have to write this down

in a way others will later make

fun of with their editor friends

and still not get a word of what

I’m saying

he said I made him feel

like an abuser and I apologized

knowing that there are worse

men, but not knowing what

would have happened

had we been alone in this

building, what would he

have forced on me

I am angry with myself

for apologizing out of fear &

for the sake of our trio

for the sake of believing

in mankind, because in truth he is

a perpetrator unable to perceive

what others feel even if they tell him

afterwards still used as an audience

for his self-expression and validation

or an opportunity for revolting hugs

that were way too tight and suffocating

than anyone would feel

comfortable with, I decided

to finally cut ties

it meant letting you go too

because you are forgiving

with him but strict with me

and I believe you like indulging

in your misogyny sometimes

without feeling guilty for it

like he encourages you to

and that you sympathize with

him because you see yourself

reflected; not because you were

as repulsive, but because people

made you feel that way, so

for you, I am the bully in this