Die gelbe Tapete

There was no fear

when I found myself

naked and drugged out 

in a Berlin hallway 

or when 

a man 

tried to kick  me out 

his flat

when he shook my whole body

against the wall 

for my alarm clock

seemed too loud 

not even a bit of it

when my mother’s abuser

tried to throw

the glass ashtray 

on my forehead 

Maybe this is

why I can’t stop 

cutting myself- 

bangs 

I could not feel a tiny hint of it 

when another one 

slapped me in the face

in the club

for being next 

to other men 

or when 

he came back

just to break my 

entrance door

of glass 

I didn’t contemplate leaving

when he kicked me

against the bar

with his right foot 

for it wasn’t my foot

for it wasn’t the body 

There was no fear,

when I underestimated 

the drugs

and could not move my body

in a room

on a sofa

full of

half-grown men 

or when I couldn’t remember

where my tights went

and why 

when all my mouth 

was able to articulate

were random names

of men 

I didn’t know 

before 

(I can hear them singing –

chants of cocaine,

I can hear me-

summing along) 

The body cannot feel things 

when they don’t enter the brain 

I felt no anger 

when he locked me 

inside my room

nor when 

he set a bet on fucking me

• I let it be done 

I could not cry when HE 

left

You didn’t allow me

to open a window

I allowed HIM.

to blame it all on me 

all the different pitches voices can reach

and how I always lose mine 

from only shouting one pitch too high

and how fragile vocal cords are

I’ve got blue stains

all over me 

from HIS constant happiness

without him touching me once

and how afraid 

I’ve always been

of touching his bare skin

Nothing is there, beneath 

He left 

no words 

but me –

unspoken 

Now – 

I need to find a new language

for it

one that can be decoded

without using words 

An alien alliance 

of morphemes 

I stayed put

in a male-shaped box

in your self-chosen

closet 

It’s a try 

I cried

seeing HIM happy 

I try 

I was sniffing cocaine

in bathrooms

in Spain

I let myself

get choked

by a woman he. knows

Blame it on me

I slept in many random flats

filled with many random men

just to compare their words 

to my father’s words

I overdosed

I blacked out twice

I didn’t call A once 

I am trying hard 

I’ve had 

boys, toys 

headaches and 

blue orgies

And lost nothing

but your pink liner

and left nothing

but your name 

I try

to speak 

in ways

you don’t have to hear

I try to 

articulate myself

in actions

I try to 

get 

as numb

as the holes of your nose 

I used my father’s name 

to make

myself 

an answer

to closed questions

not 

a Yes or a No

but

I became 

something

beyond

articulable 

• Alien
• if he ever asks