Die gelbe Tapete

when I was 10 years old I liked
listening to
Power of love
total eclipse of my heart
or the winner takes it all
spinning in circles
through the living room

you see
if you open yourself up
which also means
if you break for others to see
and tell them what has happened

they will not say anymore
it was your own fault
they will say
Of course I believe you
but they will still act
as if it was your own fault

we call this
rhetorical modernisation

I will say this blantly
it would be easier to fight
if you would still say openly
that it is our fault
maybe you could write

a sequel to the dolphins

were the offenders are the victims
because the have not met the right one yet
who will cure them
from every abusive behaviour
(still betraying her in their free time,
because every one needs … )

You see I still spin in circles
reading Seduction and Betrayals
& listenting to ballads
in my parents living room
but at least
I do not believe anyone
anymore

I have lost my throat
every time I try to
swallow or speak
there is nothingness

there are folds in
my grey blanket
that don’t go away
even if I stroke firmly

the nothingness is hungry
every time I think about
the things that happened
she grows like my offenders

maybe I will loose my esophagus next
or my teeth if I could choose
I would decide for the latter
because than I at least
could continue to vomit
into the void

I only know violence in German
so I it seems I can escape
in any other language

you see
everything that happened to me
every word engraved under my skin
ist da
but not here

but it is exhausting
like I have turned up the heat
or unlocked a new level
in processing
what has happened

it wasn’t
just a feeling

es war ja nichts
nur 1 Gefühl

es ist ermüdend
als hätte ich den Raum erhitzt
oder 1 neues Level freigeschaltet
im Verarbeiten
des Geschehenen

schau
alles was mir passiert ist
jedes Wort unter meiner Haut
ist da
ist da
ist da
ist da

Ich kenne Gewalt nur auf Deutsch
deswegen scheint es mir als könnte ich
in eine andere Sprache entkommen

to translate this
back into german
feels unprotected

my skin is burning
the heat is up

I took the nightjet to Paris
to fuck a person
I met on feeld
it was as important
as visiting de Beauvoirs and Sartres grave
to fuck a stranger
while holding my girlfriends hand

I cried in front of the grave stone
in the heat of the summer
after following google maps
for seemingly hours
it had 35,6 degree
and I was sore
from all the fucking

I tore a page
from one of my books
and wrote a pathetic
message about meaning
and put it under a stone

You see, I’m just a clichee
existencialism girl
wearing black clothes
and smoking
and don’t forget
all the fucking

tomorrow I will
post my boobs

I am sorry if you now think
that you have the right to judge other people
for their existincialism lifestyle
or their bodies

the day after tomorrow I will
post me naked
smoking
my black clothes on the ground
in front of an open window
my hair falling into my face
my body sweaty from all the fucking
and you will see the Eiffel Tower
blurry in the background

the nightjet also stops in Strassbourg

That I’d rather not tell you
anymore about the behaviour of our colleagues
because I am afraid
that you will not be able
to draw consequences for their behaviour
so maybe it is better
for our friendship
if you do not know
what they are capable of
so that I can still believe
that you would be by my side
if you just would have known …

and you disagree
and tell me that
you have ended friendships before
if necessary and there is no question
for you
that you would do it again

I can not contradict you
because who am I to
tell you that

words are easy spoken
and the things we believe we are
we seldom really are

I also once thought
that I am
a good person
but I know now
I am just
a wrong person

I am okay with that

my wrongness

my hysteria

my nothingness

I am okay

if I could choose
I would love to believe you

but there is all the fairy floss
on the ceiling
from the last bloody ride
and there is the clown
luring under my bed
and than there is
this burning rash
which covers
my skin from the inside

and did I already tell you
that I cannot cry anymore

as all my tears are drunk
by the void before
they can flow

when she calls
I pick up the phone
it’s not convenient right now,
I say, my father maws the lawn

if I could choose
I would love
to believe
in anything

the clown now has my rash
he eats the void, I fairy floss

I do not believe in men
as a concept
who came up with them
& with underwired bras

I start pulling
the skin
off my fingernails
as soon as I’m finished
with the nail polish
this is how
I have skin in the game

A would say
I have a lot of outerbody experiences

somehow violent behaviour
reminds me of outer space

my fingers are bleeding

I am queer
I tell my father (using his language)
and he laughs
as if this lightens his day
as if a weight had been liftened

good
he says
when will we meet your partners
he asks
and:
I need to maw the lawn

I do not care
who shares which story
and who screenshots which text
aren’t we all bad art friends.
it’s not easy to read
sth happened
it’s easier to scroll away

oh the complexity
of rooms!
(they are waggons on a train riding through a Geisterbahn
even if the AI tells me otherwise)
I do not know
what ZUCKERWATTE means in English
but I would buy us some
for each bloody ride

and you would shut your eyes
if I’d finally appear
just to tell you
what your boyfriends did

to me
and others

it is funny how this could concern
more than one person or
let’s do statistics!
1 out of 3
which also means …

let’s take another
ride and let your eyes open
only for the monsters not familiar
seeing your loved one’s as predators
is never a possibility
you choose

I choose

the missing words
are fairy floss

& to acknowledge their violence
which continues
to haunt my body

at least, I call them by their names