Die gelbe Tapete

  • chronology of shame | #55

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    …

    Ich war draußen! Ich habe meine anxiety calming-Strategie angewandt und bin durch den Park zum Supermarkt einkaufen gegangen. Sonst werde ich ehute noch rasten und morgen klappt ja vielleicht ein weiterer Einkauf :)

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  • chronology of shame | #54

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    Ich bin mit einem guten, positiven Gefühl aufgewacht, aber merke nun, dass sich Schuldgefühle dazu gebreitet haben. Aufgekommen sind sie, als ich an die guten Zeiten mit ihm gedacht habe und dann Fotos von ihm angesehen habe, auf denen er glücklich ist… Ist diese Person wirklich dieselbe, die in mir über Monate hinweg den Satz, ich sei nicht gut genug, ich würde ihn nur enttäuschen usw. etabliert hat? Der Zweifel an meiner Wahrnehmung ist so etabliert geworden, dass er jetzt – nachdem es aufgelöst ist – wieder hervortritt… Aber es gibt keine falschen Entscheidungen. So schön die schönen Momente auch waren, so wenig hat die Behandlung von mir mit meinen Werten übereingestimmt. Ich verabscheue Gewalt & Aggression, ich suche Augenhöhe, ich respektiere das Wissen, die Erfahrungen und die Wahrnehmungen von anderen. Vielleicht ist es genau das, was Schuldgefühle in mir weckt: Ich kenne seine Wahrnehmung der Situation – seine Realität – und da diese nicht im Einklang mit meiner ist, suche ich den Fehler bei mir. Doch er, der stets gesagt hat, man muss – ich muss – mehr selbstkritisch sein, sucht keinen Fehler bei sich. Das passt nicht zusammen, das ist ein Widerspruch. Meine Freundinnen bestärken mich in meiner Wahrnehmung und sie tun das aus Ehrlichkeit, sie haben ähnliche Erfahrungen mit mir geteilt, wir haben die Muster erkannt. Es ist okay, dass ich Schuldgefühle empfinde, die dürfen da sein, genau, weil sie eben ein Teil von meinem Welt- und Selbstbild sind.

    Ich fühle mich auf einmal leichter. Der Knoten im Magen ist da, aber ich kann ihn umarmen. Da ist es wieder, ein Gefühl von Frieden. Ich atme tief und bin ich.

    …

    3 things I am grateful for:

    • air
    • friends who care (and ask how I feel)
    • my beating heart

    *

    I had a few breakdowns in the afternoon until my felt guilt became so great that I decided I had to investigate that now very closely. So I did the exercise by X and it was so powerful: finally, I cried, soft tears ran down my face, and I saw that I am loved. That was intense and so peaceful ♡

    …

    Was ich noch immer verwirrend finde ist, dass ich seinen Geruch mochte…

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  • chronology of shame | #53

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    It is over. It doesn’t feel entirely over yet. I do not trust the silence – yet. It will take a few days, maybe 2, 3 weeks, until I will feel relaxed again. But the change has been set into motion. I will never be with this person again. I am a survivor of emotional abuse. The documentation of this day is in the chats with X, Y & Z, now I am writing this at 23:31 h from my bed, comforted by my blankets, hearing the sounds of my room. I feel content, still a little anxious, but mostly content and satisfied. I am tracking my emotions now with an app and it helps me see how my feelings changed over the past 3 days.

    I know that there is still a chance I will wake up in sweat, worried that he is at my door, worried that he is violent if no one is watching. Also, I will keep being worried that I did more things wrong, that I am to blame. But this is my critic speaking, and while this voice runs through my head, I know that I am okay.

    I saved myself. I sought the resources that helped me to find a way out – friends, therapy, a group webinar, meditation, breathing, sound frequencies. I found my way out because I noticed that something was off, that my core values were at stake, that my entire person, my life, was at stake. When I got numb, when I couldn’t feel, I knew this wasn’t me overreacting, but this was a traumatic experience happening to me right now. This shows me how far I’ve come – I felt that I didn’t feel, and I knew what that meant. I still do have a long way to go and trusting myself, my intuition, myself, as well as standing my ground while making room for others, to let others in, to open up, to trust, will take time. And this is my time and my pace. My life at my conditions. I feel pride, and I feel loved, I feel like a part of this world. I am okay.

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  • chronology of shame | #52

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    [notes on a webinar on emotions]

    *

    Gefühle haben Botschaften! Sind nicht ohne Grund da. Oft sind Gefühle damit in Verbindung, dass ich in meinem Außen etwas ändern darf!

    → es gibt keine falsche Entscheidung!

    Entscheidung aus bestem Wissen und Gewissen.

    *

    Ich süpre Nervosität → Angst/Stress bei jedem plötzlichen Geräusch in der Wohnung…

    *

    I am anxious and nervous. These feelings sit in my chest. Earlier I felt tension in my neck & shoulders → I think that’s physical threat. I will try to sleep.

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  • chronology of shame | #51

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    I don’t want to and I can’t go back, there is no unknowing. The only way is forward. As frustrating as it may be, as much work it may be.

    As [author/psychologist] says: Living as a human being is fucking great. It is awesome. I want to experience that – not just on the surface, but in deep, meaningful interaction with others. Not as an isolated perfectionist, but as an individual who accepts their flaws and keeps working on improving them, knowing that one can only ever be good enough.

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  • chronology of shame | #50

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    X was good and I am writing this as I am on the way back to Y. I wanted to write „back home“ initially – but then I stalled… The people I choose to meet at the point of destination – they are home. Y, Z, him. I can’t wait to see him again. I am a bit nervous still, because I still am afraid to fuck it up. But if I am aware, if I am observing myself, if I am me, I have nothing to be afraid of. If I am authentic, I can take all the space I need…

    In a podcast episode that he found from her, she talks about structural dissociation – the building of a trauma-person in addition to your other person. The question is: Do I have 2 personae? Since my thoughts change and my emotions,a nd I suffer from amnesia, memory loss and lack of identification with the person that is trauma-informed, it could be two personae… It’s like a mirrored persona, an opposite, a doppelganger that is not a copy but one’s uncanny imitation. One version of oneself. The shadow…

    The wall image becomes more pressing → it’s not about keeping a window to others, it’s first of all keeping a window to my true me so that this true me can calm the child-me… My emotions can lead me either way – they can become blown up, misunderstood or ignored by trauma-me – or they can be accepted, felt and honest through my true-me. I am navigating a lot, and despite my stomach fighting with my pizza now, I feel at rest with myself. No edges. No entire calm. But a somewhat restful state. And that is more than I could have imagined to experience for most of my life.

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  • chronology of shame | #49

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    I think I have disorganized attachment style, a variant of insecure attachment styles that combines anxious and avoidant, resulting in illogical actions and reactions that lack cohesion and logical reasoning. To my partner this can be very confusing because I do not follow a clear path, nothing predictable. Also, I can vary between anxious and avoidant from partner to partner, month to month. Reading about anxieties and how to use them to became –

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  • chronology of shame | #48

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    This is the first time I am away on my own since we said we are a couple. I do feel a little tight ‚cause you haven’t replied in over 12 hrs but then you are as free to do whatever you like as I. I know that you can sleep forever if there’s no one or no alarm to wake you, and maybe you did meet X and you had/are having a good time. I am not worried about you being [?] before me, I just would like some check-in from you, to know that you care. But I know that you do and I know that you would reply if it was possible/right at the time. Afterall, you could still see my message and know I’m okay without it showing as ‚read‘ to me. It’s a new territory – being away and in contact with my love.

    So I’m sitting in Y at the river, sipping coffee…

    I am writing this as I am refilling my batteries in a park. The location is tiday, but friendly. I like the style of the people. It feels like everyone just does what they like & how they feel like, they look like him and me – okay, more like him…

    Earlier, I managed to listen to my body and dissolve my anxiety about him not answering. I felt a growing pain in my stomach, or rather central in my body. I noticed that I started spiraling into feelings of abandonment and worry. So I started listening to that feeling. When I was back in my room, I lay down in bed but couldn’t sleep because of my spiraling which got more intense per minute. It is intense to sense and observe one’s feelings. So I paid close attention to locate and decipher. Then I did a breathing exercise and listened to two of my recordings on relearning love – and it was okay to feel but not to give in to! He, of course, had not abandoned me – he cared in his own way by being free and giving me freedom, like love is supposed to – no, like love is. Free and unconditional. I felt at peace. Not as incredibly as earlier this week, but still I got calm and okay. I am okay. We are okay.

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  • chronology of shame | #47

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    …

    Yesterday, when we resolved a conflict, I felt as peaceful as I had never felt in my entire life. I asked him what this feeling was and he said, that’s how it feels to resolve something. He feels this all the time.

    In the evening, I could not relax. I was constantly on edge, afraid to do something wrong, to lose my peace, and by being so anxious about that, I never managed to find it in the first place. I tried to ground myself with the tool he had given me, but only got a little calmer, not grounded. It takes very long breaths, very long moments of silence for me to somewhat relax…

    My body is tense. My chest is tight. My shoulders are cautious.

    I no longer have to run. I am safe. I can find myself now. Myself is here. Within me. My ego keeps blocking the view. I want to live, it screams. And I say, you can live, but you do not get to decide. I decide. For I am not you. I am a free individual with great passions and much to tell. You have protected me for a very long time, and I do thank you for that. But now it’s time for me to move on, to become the person I am meant to be. You stay with me, but now I will take your hand – not the other way around – and I will show you the true beauty of life.

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  • chronology of shame | #45

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    I can’t remember a day in my life on which I had felt as happy with my regular life as today. A day on which I do not wish myself anywhere else, on which I do not want to turn back time or turn it forward, on which I don’t want to wear something else or look different or feel different. I think I’ve finally managed to feel (not just reason about) my emotions and thoughts, see them spread out before me, look at them without trying to modify them so that they would put me into a more gentle light – no, I am ready to face myself and I can feel it in every pore. He and I reconnected, too – I think, finally, I see him, really see him, and feel his love for me. It feels endless. And my love for him couldn’t be stronger. I owe him a lot, but most I am extremely happy that he did not abandon me. He loves me. And I will make it up to him by being there for him, showing up for him, loving him and appreciating all that he is. I am happy.

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