maybe it is easier not to write
in german
about …
(je ne pense pas, je dis)

who will beg me to not enquire further (Anne Sexton)

somewhere I read about asking questions
without question marks

I have stopped listening
to voice messages
and started smoking
before 11 am

Forrest-Thomson wrote about
dark rooms & the economics of love (S. 6/S.18, roughbook 060)

in the last year
every man in my life
has shaken my trust
in humanity
(speaking with Forrest-Thomson
I would call this Marginal Costs)

outside of my own head
it is too complicated
the feelings
complicity
shame

the price is too high
they tell me
if the price would not be so high
it would be easier to
contribute to a better society
so it is more profitable
not to believe victims
(we can call this inflation
of abuse)

when I was 14 I thought
if I would be thin enough
the world would fall into place
everything would be fine
my family my friends society
but I was never
thin enough

now I think
if I would write good that also means precise enough
the world would change
everything would get better
society my family my friends would start
believing victims / us
and stop protecting
offenders (aka „he is such a good man“)

but I will never write
good enough

it is still easier
to think everything is my fault
because this also would mean
I could change everything myself
if I just would …
(I will call this creative destruction)
and it is often too hard for me
to give up this „hope“
and faint into nothingness

fun fact about me:
I worked 4 years in economics
as a ghost / sometimes I appeared
in footnotes or introductions
I never understood
how to raise the stakes

this poem is missing
an Adorno quote
merit goods
& grace