Die gelbe Tapete

  • chronology of shame | #25

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    Heute bin ich sehr traurig und niedergeschlagen.

    Mein Hals tut wieder weh.

    Ich kenne diese Stimmungstiefs nicht und kaufe mir einen Schwangerschaftstest.

    Schwanger bin ich nicht, gut. Aber was sind dann diese Mood Swings??

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  • chronology of shame | #24

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    Übers Wochenende waren wir, er und ich, in X. Wir hatten das ganz spontan am Freitag entschieden, um einmal einen Tapetenwechsel zu bekommen. Es war großartig – wir waren einfach wir zwei, wir haben nur das gemacht, worauf wir Lust hatten… –

    Er hat mich angerufen. Wir haben 2 Stunden geredet und ich habe es nicht geschafft auszuformulieren, dass ich gerade lieber Tagebuch schreiben möchte.

    Ich telefoniere mit Y, wir hatten das Telefonat für den Abend ausgemacht. Wir reden auch über Z und dass er und ich hinfahren wollen. Y ist interessiert.

    Ich schreibe ihm, dass Y interessiert ist, und frage, wie wir mit weiteren Personen umgehen wollen. Ich vergesse, die hypothetische Fragestellung klar zu kennzeichnen. Ich sage, ich möchte morgen reden, aber er schreibt seinen Standpunkt im Detail aus. Ich wiederhole, morgen. Er schreibt weiter. Ich fühle mich gecornered und so, als würde auf den einfachen Wunsch, nämlich dass ich schlafen möchte, nicht eingegangen werden. Es eskaliert. Ich rufe ihn an. Wir reden. 2 Stunden bis fast 3 Uhr früh. Ich verstehe seinen Standpunkt erst ganz zum Schluss, ich habe davor wieder einmal nicht darüber nachgedacht.

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  • chronology of shame | #23

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    I am tired, yet also strangely content. Our streak of fights has not yet come to an end and we are both exhausted. We are not trading lightly though. Yesterday, I’ve learned that whenever I feel caged and robbed of my new-found freedom, I panic. I cannot react genuinely, I cannot be the bigger person, stand my ground and say what I have to say to stand up for myself. Instead, I try to mitigate, to change myself, to be who I believe the other person wants me to be. But that always makes things worse. I have to be me. I have to calm down, think of best intentions from my opposite, think if what I see him doing adds up to his personality, and if it doesn’t, say, that I think that something is off here, that somewhere we’ve lost outselves and been misunderstood. I have to accept that someone can feel hurt and abandoned despite understanding me and my intentions. Pain is allowed to exist. I am allowed to feel pain. He is allowed to feel pain. I do not have to justify myself. I can remain myself and care for him. Ask him why he feels like this, ask him what is causing distress, and keep asking until I understand every tiny bit of it. It doesn’t have to make sense to me if it doesn’t. We do not have to agree. I can still be there for him. All I have to do is accept his distress. If I made an error, apologize – if not, if I feel confident about my actions, don’t apologize. My first interpretation of his behavior might be wrong if I do not understand though – then I have to keep raising questions. He wants the best for me. He wants me to be free. He wants me to be myself. We can be together and be ourselves.

    Today, he said, he loves me more than anything else right now. I had to clarify – he loves me more than any other person at the moment. But that’s not a competition, that’s just the way it is at this point in time. Times will change, or they will not, we change. And change is good. It means we’re getting closer to our true selves. I have to accept that change could at some point mean loss – and there will be something beautiful to gain from that loss. And if it will mean gain only, I have to see that I am worthy of all this gain. I am worthy of love, compassion, trust, care, I am worthy. It is empowering to be me. I am learning. And I feel that I am close.

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  • chronology of shame | #22

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    Die Krankheit zieht sich diesmal lange und ist äußerst schwer zu fassen. In der ersten Nacht vor genau 1 Woche Halsweh. Am Tag darauf beständig. Dann Husten und laufende Nase. Ab Tag 3 leichtes Fieber, seitdem beständig. Frage mich, wann das endet. Frage mich, ob es überhaupt noch ist. Nehme seit Tag 4 fiebersenkende Mittel. Heute Tag 6. Fühle mich wenig fit. Fühle mich nach Bett und Fernsehen und Chips essen. Ist das physisch oder kann das weg? Habe endlich Legitimation zum Kranksein. Habe endlich keine Person mit Erwartungshaltung. Endlich niemanden, der sagt, du machst das ja absichtlich, das Kranksein, dass du zu Hause sein kannst, aber nichts mit mir machen musst. Erinnere mich ans Aufquälen zum Kochen. Zum Spazierengehen. Bis alles nur noch Qual war, auch die Gesundheit. Möchte nie wieder eine solche Rolle im Leben einer anderen Person haben. Möchte nie wieder eine solche Rolle in meinem Leben haben. I am allowed to be sick. I am allowed to feel unhealthy. I am allowed to stay in bed. I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to act on my feelings. I am allowed. Ich darf das. Ich bin genug. Ich bin nicht unzureichend. Ich reiche mir und dir und meinen Vorstellungen von uns und der Welt vollkommen aus.

    Morgen Home-Office at least. Vielleicht noch Krankenstand.

    Spüre mein Herz, habe es beim Gehen gespürt, ganz doll, war es auf einmal da. Man weiß erst, dass man ein Herz hat, wenn es in eine Richtung ganz doll ausschlägt…

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  • chronology of shame | #21

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    Correction: The past 10 days were tough. Today, I am really sad. Deep down. I feel stuck in the wheel, I keep messing up and me not loving myself most in our shared moments leads to crazy outrages and misunderstandings. Why is it so hard for me to speak my wishes, my desires? Why is it so hard to communicate in a way so he can understand me and I can understand him? Are we approaching the end?

    I am really sad.

    Ich tu mir schwer mit Vertrauen – wieso sollte jemand auf einmal das Beste für mich wollen? Wie könnte das aber auch passieren, wenn ich niemanden in mich hinein lasse, wenn ich nie verletzlich bin?

    Genauso schwer tue ich mir mit Verzeihen – ich brauche Beweise, dass etwas anders gemacht wird, ich kann darauf nicht vertrauen.

    Ich muss für mich einstehen.
    Ich muss sagen, was ich will.
    Ich muss wissen, was ich will.

    Ich muss die Menschen, die ich liebe, so nach an mich ran lassen, damit ich ihnen vertrauen kann, dass sie mit der Info, was ich will, wohlwollend umgehen.

    Ich will ihm nichts Böses und er mir nicht.

    Dennoch versuche ich ständig, ihn mit einem schlechten Gewissen zu Eingeständnissen zu bringen.

    Mir geht es richtig schlecht.

    Warum ist das so anstrengend? Warum das bis jetzt nie so anstrengend?

    Wir waren beide extrem vulnerabel – zuerst ich, weil ich krank bin und ihn trotzdem zu mir gelassen hab, und dann er, weil er mein Armband verloren hat und der Verlust ihn so fertig gemacht hat, dass er nur noch weinen konnte. Er äußert seinen Schmerz akut, ich meinen nicht. Dadurch gerate ich ständig ins Hintertreffen. Dadurch liegt der Großteil der Schuld stets bei mir, weil ich ihm keine Chance gebe, etwas zu verbessern. Ich sabotiere mich und uns damit.

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  • chronology of shame | #20

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    The last 3 days were tough. I went on a date with someone who was literally among the 6-7 people he would not want me to go on a date with because of past shared experiences. I cancelled further dates, but in a way that exposed him negatively on Monday. His phone went out of battery and we continued texting about it on Tuesday, and then I made a truly fatal mistake because I was mislead by my intentions: He shared his deepest feelings with me, and I totally ignored his outing. I even reduced it to nothing important in my answer. When he pointed that out, I was in a hurry and did not focus on the text properly, so I said we’ll talk about it later, but I had misunderstood what I should’ve brought up and we got into a really dense talk until 2:30 a.m. (Wednesday).

    I had to learn that I’ve been ignoring other people’s feelings in my answers for possibly all my life. I’ve been so focused on the chance to be the victim that I could no longer inhabit the space of having done something wrong and certainly not of rightfully inquiring about my wrongs, showing the other person empathy and care. He taught me the most important steps when apologizing, so here’s a brief reminder of them:

    1. lean in, inquire, stay engaged, listen actively, ask how & what Qs, show understanding
    2. apologize for what I know I did wrong, don’t justify my actions or intentions
    3. validate the impact
    4. show remorse, explain what I want to do better next time, ask if there’s anything left to do

    This entire revelation really stirred something big in me and I ended up questioning parts of my past interactions, especially in hurting or potentially neglecting contexts. I had to realize that I had wronged my partners too, by storing information on my feelings and needs and washing it over them when I felt like it. With him, I had stored info but he had sensed my inauthenticity right away and exposed me, which still brought me in an act of defending me and my actions/thoughts like crazy. I could not let go of the thought that my actions had been motivated by good intentions only and that therefore the act of hurting his feelings could not be so bad. But once the harm is done, intentions do not count. That would be a form of victim-blaming. Imagine, a man rapes a girl but his genuine intention was to give her pleasure. He still raped the girl. The girl is hurt (very badly for most of her life). The blame has to be on the perpetrator. The impact is what matters. Had I never observed the difference, so I had to learn it the hard way now. I hope I learned it and I hope I can set theory to practice. How could I have walked through life so blindfolded, so ignorant of my opposite’s true feelings and pains caused through my intentions – however pure they might have been. No matter how far back I count my years, I cannot single out a person who would have taught me empathy or the art of apologizing. Now, both things feel very styled and detached from my person and when I try to enact them, I feel like a phony. Will they ever become my genuine interpersonal powers? I do hope so. I really do.

    There is so much warmth in his staying, in him being hurt and understanding, in him showing me trust and magnitude. His love for me is magic. And I love him with all my heart, knowing that my heart is expendable and will therefore always be able to keep my love for him alive. His eyes are my mirrors to the true world. I love him.

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  • chronology of shame | #19

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    In one week, we had two fights. I felt maneuvered into a corner, judged by the questions hurled at me, while he was merely genuinely asking and I forgot what it felt like to be asked. And I pushed his only trigger, his most intense trigger, saying that I would now be careful what to say not to run into such a moment again. This made him feel shunned and left out and overprotected. We were both pushed into our corners and there was no getting out. In my reaction I did not calm him as he needed to be calmed. He did not refrain from asking, as he should have.

    The second time left him wondering whether this was right at all, whether we were right at all. He gave us a way out – finally saying what we truly felt for each other. So I spit it at him. Yes, I love you. And that’s fucked up. And he said that he did too. We grew silent. Then we laughed.

    His theory is that the tension has been so crisp because we both had felt it and we had been too shy and he didn’t want to be the first and I didn’t know what that would mean because so far it had always meant to sell my soul.

    I did not sell my sould this time by being truthful to my feelings.

    And it’s a beautiful new experience to love and stay free. Time will show whether this is a love that I can maintain over a longer period of time, whether it will stay, whether it will truly take us past these two conflicts and help us process each other’s grief for I feel there is so much inside the both of us.

    I love him. I love his being. I love how he lives. And I love how he loves. I just have to learn that he does the same for me and that I am okay the way I am.

    …

    L – the leap one makes from one’s own person to another, and the leap of faith that crisps the air and grows the moment wings in-between each other.

    O – how omniscent one feels and also of the fact that nothing is a given, and everything is the most precious it can be.

    V – vertigo.

    E – escapism into another dimension, a parallel universe came down on earth with just the right amount of loopholes to hide and exist only for each other.

    Time travel must feel like this.

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  • chronology of shame | #18

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    Crazy days and nights, the level of crazy I missed, I’ve always felt inside of me. The level of desire, freedom & curiosity I’ve always been so desperate to entertain in my life. Maybe a little too little art, but we’ll see how we’ll be able to incorporate that at some point. He’s curious to learn how to understand poems – we’ll see how I can teach him. It might be a challenge for a logical mind, for a rational mind, but then, that’s me too, and he’s eager for puns, so quick with words, maybe poetry is actually going to work.

    The weekend was intense. On Friday, he was at mine to prep some of the ingredients that we brought with us from X.

    …

    Nach dem Essen… fühlte ich mich von seinen Nachfragen, was genau ich meinen Freunden von dem Aufenthalt erzählt hätte, leicht an den Pranger gestellt – dabei ging es um das forsche Nachfragen, weniger den Inhalt. Die Stimmung kam mir dann ganz komisch vor und es war auch etwas seltsam, dass die Entscheidung, ob er hier bleiben würde, ganz bei mir lag. Ich hatte mich den ganzen Tag schon etwas wund gefühlt… Ich konnte ihm aber nichts davon sagen, es war, als wäre meine Kommunikation geblockt, und vielleicht lag da deshalb etwas zwischen uns.

    Wir gingen ins Schlafzimmer und er begann mit Sex und ich fühlte es nicht, es tat weh, aber ich dachte mir, wird schon. Als er dann aber zu dominant mit Worten (!) wurde, konnte ich nicht mehr. Ich sagte Stopp und eine Diskussion entstand, die immer weiter ausuferte, bis wir sehr upset irgendwann einschliefen. Kein Gute Nacht. Kein guter Morgen.

    Wir nahmen uns am Abend die Zeit und reflektierten darüber und es bleibt für mich ein Rätsel, aber auch dieses Gespräch brachte uns nur noch näher.

    …

    Then it got weird with his room mate. They do have sex… I actually felt good about the thought of him getting pleasure the other day by someone else, genuinely good that the was presumably happy and taken care of by her. She was not happy at all with me being there. She knew I was there. He had texted her. She knew that she was not invited to the bedroom… He did not ask me to go. He asked me to stay, be there, be at ease, be myself. I was composed, naturally, in a moment that could have been so straining, so utterly intense, but I felt at ease – truly. He cared for her, she is important to him. He walked me home and stayed for some hours, and then went back to their place. I want to return to that place, too, after some time. If anything this experience strengthened my understanding for and my trust in him. I hope though that she’ll be able to respect me. Otherwise, I don’t think I can stand the annoying tension and the drama.

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  • chronology of shame | #17

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    …

    When I saw that he’d been online at 1 pm the last time but had his flight mode turned off, I thought either he fell asleep or he was having sex. And I thought that he’d enjoye both. And I genuinely thought: good for you.

    …What I did not like was that they did not invite me in when I came out of the room. I confronted him first, then he helped me confront her, and then we hugged and them feeling truly sorry for having hurt my feelings was the greatest experience I’ve ever felt – emotionally – in a very long time. Had anyone ever truly felt sorry for treating me badly? I cannot remember. They all always argued for themselves, my last partner had not even said sorry to me once in all our X years of being together. So there I was… and two people genuinely cared about me. I’m starting to see the magic, or not only see it but deeply feel it.

    …

    Everyday, with every experience, I feel the shame that I’ve been carrying with me basically all my life lift farther and farther up. It is no longer pressing me down. It is no longer suffocating me during the days and also not during the night. I am my shame and I can let it go.

    …I do not remember a period in my life when I had felt this assured of my curves, my bones, my skin, my edges…

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  • chronology of shame | #16

    Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

    The past days flew by at the speed of a space shuttle. I feel equally catapulted into new worlds, new scents, old ideas, new intentions.

    From X to X, I was with him and X in X at his home. This was such a bold move to invite me. And we functioned so well, the three of us, crazy how people who are purely & genuinely interested in the well-being of the group & oneself can interact respectfully and full of care.

    I felt so comfortable addressing all my discomforts and we hugged and we talked and we cried a little from time to time…

    He & I discuss a lot and if we don’t understand each other we get heated and desperate, because for this moment in time there’s no other thing in the world to achieve but to see the other person’s point of view and find some common ground and/or genuine understanding amidst it all. We cried a lot on the way back because there was a gap between our thoughts and how we communicated them, and once we had resolved most of it, we cried so much more because it all was such a beautiful, respectful debate.

    I’m wondering whether my strong feelings for him impact my judgement. It’s good to know that no one-to-one relationship is implied in any of it, it is good to know that we can love each other and have that be one fine part of many in our lives. I am slightly worried though by his friends circle, the younger ones, who are prone to drugs, who remind me of the kids I always wanted to be but never really was because I’ve always been too much interested in the composition of the earth and our role in it. I see his comfort though and appreciate his decision, his conscious decision, to model a part of his life like that. And I wonder how much me not being them will affect all of it.

    …

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