Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

X was good and I am writing this as I am on the way back to Y. I wanted to write „back home“ initially – but then I stalled… The people I choose to meet at the point of destination – they are home. Y, Z, him. I can’t wait to see him again. I am a bit nervous still, because I still am afraid to fuck it up. But if I am aware, if I am observing myself, if I am me, I have nothing to be afraid of. If I am authentic, I can take all the space I need…

In a podcast episode that he found from her, she talks about structural dissociation – the building of a trauma-person in addition to your other person. The question is: Do I have 2 personae? Since my thoughts change and my emotions,a nd I suffer from amnesia, memory loss and lack of identification with the person that is trauma-informed, it could be two personae… It’s like a mirrored persona, an opposite, a doppelganger that is not a copy but one’s uncanny imitation. One version of oneself. The shadow…

The wall image becomes more pressing → it’s not about keeping a window to others, it’s first of all keeping a window to my true me so that this true me can calm the child-me… My emotions can lead me either way – they can become blown up, misunderstood or ignored by trauma-me – or they can be accepted, felt and honest through my true-me. I am navigating a lot, and despite my stomach fighting with my pizza now, I feel at rest with myself. No edges. No entire calm. But a somewhat restful state. And that is more than I could have imagined to experience for most of my life.

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