Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

I am tired, yet also strangely content. Our streak of fights has not yet come to an end and we are both exhausted. We are not trading lightly though. Yesterday, I’ve learned that whenever I feel caged and robbed of my new-found freedom, I panic. I cannot react genuinely, I cannot be the bigger person, stand my ground and say what I have to say to stand up for myself. Instead, I try to mitigate, to change myself, to be who I believe the other person wants me to be. But that always makes things worse. I have to be me. I have to calm down, think of best intentions from my opposite, think if what I see him doing adds up to his personality, and if it doesn’t, say, that I think that something is off here, that somewhere we’ve lost outselves and been misunderstood. I have to accept that someone can feel hurt and abandoned despite understanding me and my intentions. Pain is allowed to exist. I am allowed to feel pain. He is allowed to feel pain. I do not have to justify myself. I can remain myself and care for him. Ask him why he feels like this, ask him what is causing distress, and keep asking until I understand every tiny bit of it. It doesn’t have to make sense to me if it doesn’t. We do not have to agree. I can still be there for him. All I have to do is accept his distress. If I made an error, apologize – if not, if I feel confident about my actions, don’t apologize. My first interpretation of his behavior might be wrong if I do not understand though – then I have to keep raising questions. He wants the best for me. He wants me to be free. He wants me to be myself. We can be together and be ourselves.

Today, he said, he loves me more than anything else right now. I had to clarify – he loves me more than any other person at the moment. But that’s not a competition, that’s just the way it is at this point in time. Times will change, or they will not, we change. And change is good. It means we’re getting closer to our true selves. I have to accept that change could at some point mean loss – and there will be something beautiful to gain from that loss. And if it will mean gain only, I have to see that I am worthy of all this gain. I am worthy of love, compassion, trust, care, I am worthy. It is empowering to be me. I am learning. And I feel that I am close.

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