Die gelbe Tapete

chronology of shame | #37

Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

Morning journaling:

Yesterday was painful, but with him it was good and then he called because I had sent him a text telling him that X and I would be talking soon. He asked whether I’d actually have time next week for that and I had to admit, maybe not so much – and then he asked something about the relevance of this all for our shared travel plans and I did not answer his questions but interpreted what he wanted to know. It escalated, he shouted, I was detached. But we soon got around and to an understanding, yet for him this meant again questioning everything. I question whether we’ll ever fit, whether our ways to communicate will ever fit together. Whether I’ll ever able to answer exactly, because I’m so trained to answering what I believe was asked – without the person actually asking that.

Today, my tooth still aches but it’s much better. I could sleep! I had a weird dream. I think it was about belonging somewhere.

What I want to do better:

  1. Today, I want to listen closely and answer what is actually asked of me. I want to observe whether I am doing this also in my day-to-day life. [checkbox ticked]
  2. Also, I do not want to ask manipulative questions but dare to hear a no/yes also if this means something bad for me. The way to not do this is to not phrase something like, Du hast gerade echt viel zu tun, oder? – I think I forgot how it was – I will ask him to send me this example again. [checkbox ticked]

Evening check-in:

  1. I noticed when I answered something else without checking back. I could still improve my backchecking.
  2. I reformulated a question to Y when I noticed it was going in the direction of ‚this is how I want her to answer to me‘.

Today was intense. Today was good. My tooth(s) still ache(s) – I’m afraid that something else is up… Today was good. He and I talked. Tomorrow, he’ll be back and I can’t wait to see him – his smile, his eyes. I long for him. I hope we’ll be able to get through the currents.

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riesuta

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