Die gelbe Tapete

chronology of shame | #48

Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

This is the first time I am away on my own since we said we are a couple. I do feel a little tight ‚cause you haven’t replied in over 12 hrs but then you are as free to do whatever you like as I. I know that you can sleep forever if there’s no one or no alarm to wake you, and maybe you did meet X and you had/are having a good time. I am not worried about you being [?] before me, I just would like some check-in from you, to know that you care. But I know that you do and I know that you would reply if it was possible/right at the time. Afterall, you could still see my message and know I’m okay without it showing as ‚read‘ to me. It’s a new territory – being away and in contact with my love.

So I’m sitting in Y at the river, sipping coffee…

I am writing this as I am refilling my batteries in a park. The location is tiday, but friendly. I like the style of the people. It feels like everyone just does what they like & how they feel like, they look like him and me – okay, more like him…

Earlier, I managed to listen to my body and dissolve my anxiety about him not answering. I felt a growing pain in my stomach, or rather central in my body. I noticed that I started spiraling into feelings of abandonment and worry. So I started listening to that feeling. When I was back in my room, I lay down in bed but couldn’t sleep because of my spiraling which got more intense per minute. It is intense to sense and observe one’s feelings. So I paid close attention to locate and decipher. Then I did a breathing exercise and listened to two of my recordings on relearning love – and it was okay to feel but not to give in to! He, of course, had not abandoned me – he cared in his own way by being free and giving me freedom, like love is supposed to – no, like love is. Free and unconditional. I felt at peace. Not as incredibly as earlier this week, but still I got calm and okay. I am okay. We are okay.

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riesuta

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