Die gelbe Tapete

chronology of shame | #20

Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

The last 3 days were tough. I went on a date with someone who was literally among the 6-7 people he would not want me to go on a date with because of past shared experiences. I cancelled further dates, but in a way that exposed him negatively on Monday. His phone went out of battery and we continued texting about it on Tuesday, and then I made a truly fatal mistake because I was mislead by my intentions: He shared his deepest feelings with me, and I totally ignored his outing. I even reduced it to nothing important in my answer. When he pointed that out, I was in a hurry and did not focus on the text properly, so I said we’ll talk about it later, but I had misunderstood what I should’ve brought up and we got into a really dense talk until 2:30 a.m. (Wednesday).

I had to learn that I’ve been ignoring other people’s feelings in my answers for possibly all my life. I’ve been so focused on the chance to be the victim that I could no longer inhabit the space of having done something wrong and certainly not of rightfully inquiring about my wrongs, showing the other person empathy and care. He taught me the most important steps when apologizing, so here’s a brief reminder of them:

  1. lean in, inquire, stay engaged, listen actively, ask how & what Qs, show understanding
  2. apologize for what I know I did wrong, don’t justify my actions or intentions
  3. validate the impact
  4. show remorse, explain what I want to do better next time, ask if there’s anything left to do

This entire revelation really stirred something big in me and I ended up questioning parts of my past interactions, especially in hurting or potentially neglecting contexts. I had to realize that I had wronged my partners too, by storing information on my feelings and needs and washing it over them when I felt like it. With him, I had stored info but he had sensed my inauthenticity right away and exposed me, which still brought me in an act of defending me and my actions/thoughts like crazy. I could not let go of the thought that my actions had been motivated by good intentions only and that therefore the act of hurting his feelings could not be so bad. But once the harm is done, intentions do not count. That would be a form of victim-blaming. Imagine, a man rapes a girl but his genuine intention was to give her pleasure. He still raped the girl. The girl is hurt (very badly for most of her life). The blame has to be on the perpetrator. The impact is what matters. Had I never observed the difference, so I had to learn it the hard way now. I hope I learned it and I hope I can set theory to practice. How could I have walked through life so blindfolded, so ignorant of my opposite’s true feelings and pains caused through my intentions – however pure they might have been. No matter how far back I count my years, I cannot single out a person who would have taught me empathy or the art of apologizing. Now, both things feel very styled and detached from my person and when I try to enact them, I feel like a phony. Will they ever become my genuine interpersonal powers? I do hope so. I really do.

There is so much warmth in his staying, in him being hurt and understanding, in him showing me trust and magnitude. His love for me is magic. And I love him with all my heart, knowing that my heart is expendable and will therefore always be able to keep my love for him alive. His eyes are my mirrors to the true world. I love him.

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riesuta

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