Die gelbe Tapete

chronology of shame | #53

Context: https://diegelbetapete.com/2026/08/17/chronlogy-of-shame-pretext/

It is over. It doesn’t feel entirely over yet. I do not trust the silence – yet. It will take a few days, maybe 2, 3 weeks, until I will feel relaxed again. But the change has been set into motion. I will never be with this person again. I am a survivor of emotional abuse. The documentation of this day is in the chats with X, Y & Z, now I am writing this at 23:31 h from my bed, comforted by my blankets, hearing the sounds of my room. I feel content, still a little anxious, but mostly content and satisfied. I am tracking my emotions now with an app and it helps me see how my feelings changed over the past 3 days.

I know that there is still a chance I will wake up in sweat, worried that he is at my door, worried that he is violent if no one is watching. Also, I will keep being worried that I did more things wrong, that I am to blame. But this is my critic speaking, and while this voice runs through my head, I know that I am okay.

I saved myself. I sought the resources that helped me to find a way out – friends, therapy, a group webinar, meditation, breathing, sound frequencies. I found my way out because I noticed that something was off, that my core values were at stake, that my entire person, my life, was at stake. When I got numb, when I couldn’t feel, I knew this wasn’t me overreacting, but this was a traumatic experience happening to me right now. This shows me how far I’ve come – I felt that I didn’t feel, and I knew what that meant. I still do have a long way to go and trusting myself, my intuition, myself, as well as standing my ground while making room for others, to let others in, to open up, to trust, will take time. And this is my time and my pace. My life at my conditions. I feel pride, and I feel loved, I feel like a part of this world. I am okay.

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riesuta

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